Belongingness..

It has been more than five years since she has been living in a city which was not her own. She wasn't born here. She did not grow up here, not as a child at least. She belonged to a city not too far, yet different. She was too young when the transition occurred, willingly and for the better. She never complains about the challenges that she had to face But, can't deny that there were challenges. Challenges elaborate but doable. There wasn't even a choice, to be fair. She had to deal with them and grow.

Does growing up ever end ? She thought as an Eighteen year old. When she turned eighteen she felt like a grown up. So is she even now but that's not it. It is never enough and it shouldn't end. To live a healthy life one should continue to grow with each challenge, with each prospect and with each mistake. Making mistakes is alright too. 

One not so pleasant day at work transformed into a great evening and an even better night. She was at work all day and it was undoubtedly a good one but then came at play the biggest spinster of all, misunderstanding. Life had only then begun to appear a happy one. Work was good, she was happy and wouldn't want anything more. In such a phase of complete bliss even a twig on the path seems like a thorn. She broke down. That, by the way, is the last thing she wanted to do. But, she was not used to this life and the process. It happened, she tried to forget it and she did so but the sullenness remained. She needs to be more sure of her impulsive actions, she thought. But she had always been told, "talk it out, it makes things better". She did, things did get better but not completely. The last thing she wanted to do was to appear like a weakling at this new place. With these myriad of thoughts in her mind she decided to meet him. To get a feeling of homecoming. And they met. 

The sky was blue again, the stars did shine and love did blossom and why wouldn't it? She was in her happy place after all. They dined together, the place was not one of their favourite ones. "Come on, let's go to this new place, you will love it", he said, she pestered for a while but gave in to much of her own surprise and even more to his. They reached this place, otherworldly. It was new, beautiful and did help in bringing her back to life. By the end of their rendezvous, she had completely healed. They called for a cab. And then the magic happened. The most uplifting part of the day was that the cab that came to pick them up had a number plate of her own city. She was so excited. Even before she could properly settle in the cab she asked the driver, "How does your car have this city's number plate?"

The driver responded with his connection to the city. Just that and they resumed talking again, the boy and the girl. The ride back home was relaxing. She realised that she had not been so comfortable and so much at peace in the past whole week. She enjoyed it and wished they could stay in the back seat of a car like this, for longer. But then came his home and he left with a smile that will get him through a couple of days. Soon the cab driver began to talk. He told her all about how he ended up in this business, how in the beginning working with #Uber felt like, "It's raining money". They began talking like there was a connection. A connection that made talking easy.  The connection was none other than being from the same land. Of having shared a certain history with each other, the knowledge of those places back in their city, the names of roads and landmarks. That is what connected them. After having spoken to each other and giving way to her feminist side like always, she advised the driver, "Do make sure your daughter studies well and does all that she wants in her life."

They passed through another lane where she had spent a long time in this city. She showed him with excitement, "this right here is my college." In that very moment she realized how connected she was to her college too. This was definitely a revelation. She did not spend much time here. But again it was part of her identity. She belonged to it and it belonged to her. That's when she connected all the dots. 

She realized, amidst all the being and becoming, sobbing and laughing and all the struggles, she now belonged to her new city too, as much as she did to her own. All these years while trying to live she had created memories and when she reached home, it was not just returning to her rented apartment, it was homecoming.

"You're a little wonder"

What is the ideal of beauty ? Or what is beautiful any way ? How does one know that they are beautiful ? They say, beauty lies in the eyes of a beholder. So, is it about the beholder always ? Women are often expected to be beautiful for men. I am not making a generalized statement but stating a fact. At least that is what society will have you believe. One has to be beautiful to be attractive to the other sex. It's the heart of men which metaphorically often skips a beat when they see an attractive woman pass. Even, vice versa. But, how does it work when two people belonging to the same gender are in question. I am not talking about Homosexuality per say, because I don't think that I know enough in the area to comment but I am definitely talking about the indescribable Laws of Attraction between people of the same sex.

She had taken the road not desired but the one that made most sense. She was admitted to the college she wanted to study in. But she didn't enjoy it. She had continued to stay in the older abode and had to travel distances now. She would go to college feeling older, responsible and eager and come back exhausted, disappointed and in despair. Nothing seemed to be falling in place. She was told that things will be different here from the last place she studied in but she always thought different could mean both good and bad. She was highly optimistic. One afternoon she came home and was told by one of the fellow residents that there was a new girl in their hostel who was doing exactly what she was doing and seemed to be in real need for help or a person to talk to. My poor exhausted young woman thought before getting lost in her room which was a recluse from all the other worldly issues, a little world created by her for her happiness, she must meet this  new person who was more or less sailing in the same boat as her. She was sweaty and dirty and exhausted , she climbed up to the  concerned floor and knocked. She waited for the door to open and meanwhile contemplated the mess which was about to let her inside in the next few seconds.

After a good 15 seconds someone opened the door and what met her eyes was an unbelievable woman. A pretty but wrecked damsel of sorts. She was weepy and teary eyed. Our young woman introduced herself and received what seemed like a nod from the other side. She didn't quite understand  what happened in the last couple of seconds but still she gave her an offer to help in anything she would need help for and went back to her pleasure palace, the little room in the corner that separated her from the world outside. A couple of days later while passing by the new girls floor she thought she must check up on her and she did, hoping that the wonderful girl might still not be crying. Much to her surprise she wasn't. She was extremely elated instead and welcomed her with an apology for the last time. Offered her to sit inside her little abode that separated her from the world outside. These two women living in the same building, that was home to a hundred other women, were trying their best to be alone. Two women from two different parts of the country, two different educational backgrounds and modes of upbringing, wanted the same things from life. Our weepy beautiful girl soon declared that she was happy because she had everything packed and was leaving forever. Yes, you heard me right. The older, more experienced of the two women had given up. She did not want to go through with the torture of what was to follow. She felt like she didn't belong but only till she met our new young woman, who had recently started to feel much older.

They got into talking. Soon, the younger one began telling her the million stories about their university and how it's the most fantastic place to be. After a good 2 hours of talking our little woman had accomplished what she wanted. She had convinced her to stay. If I have not already mentioned, I should. Our little young woman was a passionate soul. Passionate about all little things in life. A thinker, a dreamer, a day dreamer, a lover of poetry, history, literature and all arts. Everything around her according to her was part of a continuously playing movie that centered around her and everyone else that featured in the background were just the filler people who are present on movie sets to show the crowd. Whoever came in contact with her was given a part in the running movie and whoever she didn't know, was well, an extra. So this was one of the many crazy ideas that occupied the mind of our little young woman. She was new to life. It seemed like she had learnt to live only recently. She had evolved from her rotten past experiences with rotten decaying people. Her soul was now much more alive than it ever was and she had recently been aware of her being, her body and embraced what is called the feeling of being in a woman's body. So when our weepy met our little wonder, she was stirred to the very soul to see the presence of so much life inside a little person.

They fell in 'fascination'. Our little wonder fell for the calm and composure of the new friend she had made and the other one fell for the sheer sense of life in the her. They began to spend most of their time together. Without realizing they were much closer than they knew. The older one couldn't help but compliment everything about her younger friend. Her hair, her eyes, her sheer sense of looking at everything differently, to the point where she believed that she knows no other woman as beautiful as her little friend, while,our little one too absorbed in the microcosm that she had created around herself basked in the sudden influx of tremendous love and care from her older friend. They were the happiest two beings possible. They longed to see each other. They visited places together. Stayed up all night, just talking. They danced and laughed together. Their laughter could be heard through the whole, otherwise awfully dull, building.They began to share each other's interests. The young woman began to go to the park to appreciate nature and love trees. Hugging everyone, or every thing, even trees for at least 20 seconds became a must in her way of life, exactly like it was in her new friend's. While, the older beauty began to visit monuments and enjoyed talking and discussing ideas and reading with the new perspective of our young charmer.

All things were great between them until, another object of beauty and love came to share the abode and led to what became an unknown competition between our two joyful buds. They grew insecure, firstly from the pain of being separated from each other and not knowing that. Secondly, from the unsaid, unwanted competition that existed without their knowledge. The third with no intention of ruining what existed and abundant love to offer came in their lives and unknowingly resulted in the remnants of two broken souls, broken friendships and broken lovers. The nights spent in contemplation of life and the conversations still haunt the two but one is too egoistic to communicate and the other two unforgiving to reconsider...

"Aaj Ki raat Bachenge toh Seher Dekhenge... " the songs they sang to each other still remind the two of each other.

Complicated relationships are not just a heterosexual luxury. Female sisterhood is one of the most complex form of relationships because we don't know how to befriend people and leave it at that. We are passionate and we fall in love. The idea of a best friend will never make so much sense in a relationship that doesn't involve women. We either make people our own or never call them friends. Two women can never completely like each other, they say. But they couldn't be more wrong in making that assumption. Two women who used to be great friends and aren't any more is not because they can't like each other for long but because they liked one another to the point of loving. It is nothing less than a broken love affair and most times even worse. One grows up and moves on from unrequited or broken love but a fall out between two girls never stops haunting them. Because somewhere the love sustains, mostly unrecognized and more often willingly neglected and subdued.