Pondicherry: Let peace find you

February is a great month. I completely love it, it somehow is laden with great experiences. It often brings travel in the package, atleast in my life and I’m sure in yours. The weather is pleasant, the trees are blooming and there is happiness and positivity all around. This year it brought for me a trip to Pondicherry and trust me I can’t thank it enough for this. Pondicherry with its happiness, peace, beaches has taken a permanent spot in my heart.

On the 11th of February we left from Delhi and landed in Chennai(flights taken till Chennai are cheaper). While the plane circled around in the air, I peeped out of the window and saw only darkness of the likes and the stretch that I have never seen before. The fact that I am geographically challenged came handy. After much contemplation and willingness to find out what that was, light from some boats became visible, shocking to my North Indian- uncontemplative of such large water bodies- mind. A chill passed through my body. It was fearful and beautiful at the same time. Almost sublime. The plane landed in Chennai and everything changed. The world I live in is completely different from the one waiting to unfold. I must mention that it was my first time in south india. The land of beauty and nature and peace and everything that one doesn’t get in Delhi. Following a farrago of in’s and outs,cabs and buses, ubers and olas, the decision was made and we finally left for Pondy. As soon as we came out of the airport our first struggle was waiting on us. While planning to go to Pondy no one gave a thought to the language barrier. But getting the cab guy to come around and explaining to him where we stood took almost an hour. Nevertheless we found him and left to be spellbound. The roads in Chennai( atleast the way to Pondy) were as clean as they are here on the day of their inauguration but there was no ribbon cutting or anything. They were just very clean. 

The journey from Chennai to Pondy had its own share of serenity(which btw is also the name of a beach in Pondy). All there was on the sides of the road was water, which could be heard and not seen ofcourse, it was too dark that late in the night. We reached our abode for the next two days at around 2 am, where we found Teresa waiting to welcome us, the lovely care taker of the house we rented on the Frederic Ozanan road. High on happiness and looking forward to what was supposed to unfold in the coming week we slept a sound, dream filled sleep. In the morning we were to explore what Pondy had to offer and to not turn the trip into a treasure hunt, we left home without knowing where to go. We just wanted to be surprised with what the city had to offer. 

Alongside the most tranquil beach I have ever seen (Promenade or commonly known as the rocky beach). We parked our Activas outside what was called Le Cafe and went in for a sumptuous round of French breakfast. The functioning of Le cafe’ was like that of a canteen but it was located in heaven. With Victorian  architecture and iron railings it was located right at the beach. No matter where you sit, you won’t miss the sea view. We sat there for a good while staring at the crests and troughs the waves formed. It had such a calming effect on us that we didn’t realise having spent about two hours there. Soon it became our go to spot. It was open 24*7 and was less than a Km away from White Town, where we were staying. We would go there every night and sit for hours. 

The most interesting fact about Pondy was that inspite of all this beauty and splendour, it was not Jarred by a gamut of selfie taking, willing to tan, tourists. It seemed like whoever visited the city, made it their own and never left. Everybody knew everybody. Old French women came there and sat for hours smiling at everyone and looking at the sea.

There are many amazing “cafes” and places to visit in pondicherry but this post will only address the ones that led to moments of epiphany. Forgive me for this bias but what’s the point of having a blog if you can’t decide what to write. :)

One evening we rode our bikes to Serenity beach which largely differed in temper from Promenade. It was loud and angry it seemed or was it a full moon night, I fail to recall. We went to sit and eat by the waves in a tiny pink and white Cafe that offered delicious sea food. Having placed our order we seated ourselves. I noticed a girl about my age sitting alone on the table next to us. She was petite but exquisite. Her posture on the table with some of her belongings that occupied the chair next to her, an empty cup of green tea, a leather sling bag and a leather journal was all she had on her. She looked like a part of the landscape that lay before us. To be fair, I wanted to paint it, the whole paronama of this ethereal vision. She would rigorously write in her journal and then stare at the waves for a long time and then would write again. She had been sitting since before we came and it seemed like didn’t plan to leave any soon. My inquisitiveness grew and I asked her if she was working on a book? She smiled and said, “ No I am just writing my journal for my grand kids, they must know what I was like while travelling across India.” 

And that thought just stuck in my mind. I genuinely have never given a thought to even my next generation, leave alone the one after. 

One day we travelled for about twenty kilometres for what turned out to be a twenty minute adventure, but those twenty minutes were worth twenty more rounds of those twenty kilometres we had travelled. We took a  boat ride on the Ousteri Lake. I witnessed things I don’t feel capable of putting into words, but I shall try. The twenty minute boat ride was the closest I have ever been to nature, or so it seemed. I didn’t feel earthly anymore. It was like being transported to a land where there is just me amidst nature. The lake was full of lotuses (I had never seen so many lotuses ever in my life) and a very peculiar water growth in the centre of the lake which blossomed pigeons. I am not exaggerating. Each outgrowth formed a resting spot of a pigeon. And as soon as our boat reached about seven feet near them they all flew at the same time. I left a piece of my heart there, a large chunk of emotions and a feeling which I have never had before. 

The experience made me quiet, really quiet, my friends asked me if anything was wrong but all I could say was, “I don’t think anything has ever been right before”. 

Do yourself a favour and visit Pondicherry not for a weekend but a week atleast. There is so much more that I wish to say but I won’t. Somethings are better left unsaid so that one day they can become an experience. All I can say is, no one can take Pondicherry out of me or me out of Pondicherry, we both unhinged together and left a part of ourselves with each other.

Belongingness..

It has been more than five years since she has been living in a city which was not her own. She wasn't born here. She did not grow up here, not as a child at least. She belonged to a city not too far, yet different. She was too young when the transition occurred, willingly and for the better. She never complains about the challenges that she had to face But, can't deny that there were challenges. Challenges elaborate but doable. There wasn't even a choice, to be fair. She had to deal with them and grow.

Does growing up ever end ? She thought as an Eighteen year old. When she turned eighteen she felt like a grown up. So is she even now but that's not it. It is never enough and it shouldn't end. To live a healthy life one should continue to grow with each challenge, with each prospect and with each mistake. Making mistakes is alright too. 

One not so pleasant day at work transformed into a great evening and an even better night. She was at work all day and it was undoubtedly a good one but then came at play the biggest spinster of all, misunderstanding. Life had only then begun to appear a happy one. Work was good, she was happy and wouldn't want anything more. In such a phase of complete bliss even a twig on the path seems like a thorn. She broke down. That, by the way, is the last thing she wanted to do. But, she was not used to this life and the process. It happened, she tried to forget it and she did so but the sullenness remained. She needs to be more sure of her impulsive actions, she thought. But she had always been told, "talk it out, it makes things better". She did, things did get better but not completely. The last thing she wanted to do was to appear like a weakling at this new place. With these myriad of thoughts in her mind she decided to meet him. To get a feeling of homecoming. And they met. 

The sky was blue again, the stars did shine and love did blossom and why wouldn't it? She was in her happy place after all. They dined together, the place was not one of their favourite ones. "Come on, let's go to this new place, you will love it", he said, she pestered for a while but gave in to much of her own surprise and even more to his. They reached this place, otherworldly. It was new, beautiful and did help in bringing her back to life. By the end of their rendezvous, she had completely healed. They called for a cab. And then the magic happened. The most uplifting part of the day was that the cab that came to pick them up had a number plate of her own city. She was so excited. Even before she could properly settle in the cab she asked the driver, "How does your car have this city's number plate?"

The driver responded with his connection to the city. Just that and they resumed talking again, the boy and the girl. The ride back home was relaxing. She realised that she had not been so comfortable and so much at peace in the past whole week. She enjoyed it and wished they could stay in the back seat of a car like this, for longer. But then came his home and he left with a smile that will get him through a couple of days. Soon the cab driver began to talk. He told her all about how he ended up in this business, how in the beginning working with #Uber felt like, "It's raining money". They began talking like there was a connection. A connection that made talking easy.  The connection was none other than being from the same land. Of having shared a certain history with each other, the knowledge of those places back in their city, the names of roads and landmarks. That is what connected them. After having spoken to each other and giving way to her feminist side like always, she advised the driver, "Do make sure your daughter studies well and does all that she wants in her life."

They passed through another lane where she had spent a long time in this city. She showed him with excitement, "this right here is my college." In that very moment she realized how connected she was to her college too. This was definitely a revelation. She did not spend much time here. But again it was part of her identity. She belonged to it and it belonged to her. That's when she connected all the dots. 

She realized, amidst all the being and becoming, sobbing and laughing and all the struggles, she now belonged to her new city too, as much as she did to her own. All these years while trying to live she had created memories and when she reached home, it was not just returning to her rented apartment, it was homecoming.

"You're a little wonder"

What is the ideal of beauty ? Or what is beautiful any way ? How does one know that they are beautiful ? They say, beauty lies in the eyes of a beholder. So, is it about the beholder always ? Women are often expected to be beautiful for men. I am not making a generalized statement but stating a fact. At least that is what society will have you believe. One has to be beautiful to be attractive to the other sex. It's the heart of men which metaphorically often skips a beat when they see an attractive woman pass. Even, vice versa. But, how does it work when two people belonging to the same gender are in question. I am not talking about Homosexuality per say, because I don't think that I know enough in the area to comment but I am definitely talking about the indescribable Laws of Attraction between people of the same sex.

She had taken the road not desired but the one that made most sense. She was admitted to the college she wanted to study in. But she didn't enjoy it. She had continued to stay in the older abode and had to travel distances now. She would go to college feeling older, responsible and eager and come back exhausted, disappointed and in despair. Nothing seemed to be falling in place. She was told that things will be different here from the last place she studied in but she always thought different could mean both good and bad. She was highly optimistic. One afternoon she came home and was told by one of the fellow residents that there was a new girl in their hostel who was doing exactly what she was doing and seemed to be in real need for help or a person to talk to. My poor exhausted young woman thought before getting lost in her room which was a recluse from all the other worldly issues, a little world created by her for her happiness, she must meet this  new person who was more or less sailing in the same boat as her. She was sweaty and dirty and exhausted , she climbed up to the  concerned floor and knocked. She waited for the door to open and meanwhile contemplated the mess which was about to let her inside in the next few seconds.

After a good 15 seconds someone opened the door and what met her eyes was an unbelievable woman. A pretty but wrecked damsel of sorts. She was weepy and teary eyed. Our young woman introduced herself and received what seemed like a nod from the other side. She didn't quite understand  what happened in the last couple of seconds but still she gave her an offer to help in anything she would need help for and went back to her pleasure palace, the little room in the corner that separated her from the world outside. A couple of days later while passing by the new girls floor she thought she must check up on her and she did, hoping that the wonderful girl might still not be crying. Much to her surprise she wasn't. She was extremely elated instead and welcomed her with an apology for the last time. Offered her to sit inside her little abode that separated her from the world outside. These two women living in the same building, that was home to a hundred other women, were trying their best to be alone. Two women from two different parts of the country, two different educational backgrounds and modes of upbringing, wanted the same things from life. Our weepy beautiful girl soon declared that she was happy because she had everything packed and was leaving forever. Yes, you heard me right. The older, more experienced of the two women had given up. She did not want to go through with the torture of what was to follow. She felt like she didn't belong but only till she met our new young woman, who had recently started to feel much older.

They got into talking. Soon, the younger one began telling her the million stories about their university and how it's the most fantastic place to be. After a good 2 hours of talking our little woman had accomplished what she wanted. She had convinced her to stay. If I have not already mentioned, I should. Our little young woman was a passionate soul. Passionate about all little things in life. A thinker, a dreamer, a day dreamer, a lover of poetry, history, literature and all arts. Everything around her according to her was part of a continuously playing movie that centered around her and everyone else that featured in the background were just the filler people who are present on movie sets to show the crowd. Whoever came in contact with her was given a part in the running movie and whoever she didn't know, was well, an extra. So this was one of the many crazy ideas that occupied the mind of our little young woman. She was new to life. It seemed like she had learnt to live only recently. She had evolved from her rotten past experiences with rotten decaying people. Her soul was now much more alive than it ever was and she had recently been aware of her being, her body and embraced what is called the feeling of being in a woman's body. So when our weepy met our little wonder, she was stirred to the very soul to see the presence of so much life inside a little person.

They fell in 'fascination'. Our little wonder fell for the calm and composure of the new friend she had made and the other one fell for the sheer sense of life in the her. They began to spend most of their time together. Without realizing they were much closer than they knew. The older one couldn't help but compliment everything about her younger friend. Her hair, her eyes, her sheer sense of looking at everything differently, to the point where she believed that she knows no other woman as beautiful as her little friend, while,our little one too absorbed in the microcosm that she had created around herself basked in the sudden influx of tremendous love and care from her older friend. They were the happiest two beings possible. They longed to see each other. They visited places together. Stayed up all night, just talking. They danced and laughed together. Their laughter could be heard through the whole, otherwise awfully dull, building.They began to share each other's interests. The young woman began to go to the park to appreciate nature and love trees. Hugging everyone, or every thing, even trees for at least 20 seconds became a must in her way of life, exactly like it was in her new friend's. While, the older beauty began to visit monuments and enjoyed talking and discussing ideas and reading with the new perspective of our young charmer.

All things were great between them until, another object of beauty and love came to share the abode and led to what became an unknown competition between our two joyful buds. They grew insecure, firstly from the pain of being separated from each other and not knowing that. Secondly, from the unsaid, unwanted competition that existed without their knowledge. The third with no intention of ruining what existed and abundant love to offer came in their lives and unknowingly resulted in the remnants of two broken souls, broken friendships and broken lovers. The nights spent in contemplation of life and the conversations still haunt the two but one is too egoistic to communicate and the other two unforgiving to reconsider...

"Aaj Ki raat Bachenge toh Seher Dekhenge... " the songs they sang to each other still remind the two of each other.

Complicated relationships are not just a heterosexual luxury. Female sisterhood is one of the most complex form of relationships because we don't know how to befriend people and leave it at that. We are passionate and we fall in love. The idea of a best friend will never make so much sense in a relationship that doesn't involve women. We either make people our own or never call them friends. Two women can never completely like each other, they say. But they couldn't be more wrong in making that assumption. Two women who used to be great friends and aren't any more is not because they can't like each other for long but because they liked one another to the point of loving. It is nothing less than a broken love affair and most times even worse. One grows up and moves on from unrequited or broken love but a fall out between two girls never stops haunting them. Because somewhere the love sustains, mostly unrecognized and more often willingly neglected and subdued.

Life.

Recently I have answered many people regarding the appearance of the next blog post with either, "after exams", "soon", "after dealing with my entrances" or even "I don't know". I have stopped apologizing for my inconstancy. I really have. I have become increasingly shameless, mostly like a wall when it comes to giving answers. I am failing continuously on answering my own question, even at knowing the questions, rather, dreading questioning my own self because I know what might scare me away. My biggest fears are known to me and me alone. I am the one what can make me or break me. It's me who gets to choose. But to choose I need to ask. Like they say, to get an answer one should dare to ask the question. The blog, following all this rant has nothing to do with this. Enjoy.

Those were difficult times for them, even though the question asked to him was not appropriately at the right time but it was asked. Some how being a Hindu and a Muslim in love did come in the picture. They were together the strongest, both knew. But, family ? Who is stronger than them together, pulling you back, giving you the hardest time between what you love the most or what they would serve society on a platter? The one choice children should be granted liberty at making is taken away from them because, of course, a certain Sharma Ji, or Khan Sahab's opinion comes to play. Somehow their opinion becomes all that one has to satisfy. Marriage no longer remains an amorous bond between two people who know they are perfect for each other and will want to spend not this but all lives to follow, together, but it has become a bond carefully measured on the scale of society, caste, religion, complexion, money and every other irrelevant thing that is. Of course the certain "Sharma Ji" and "Khan Sahab" sitting peacefully at home with their own imperfect lives of themselves are better judges.

He is stuck in a labyrinth of responsibilities and why shouldn't he be. He was the eldest son of the family, had finished his education. Now, he must earn and marry and chase around and die doing all this. He ones had dreams of studying more, excelling at what he does, be bigger, marry her, be a great son, a great husband, a father and travel the world with her but now he is given a choice. Options he cannot choose between. One makes him a bad son, the other takes away everything that he has ever wanted in life. One popular but disappointing fact about Indian parents is their continuous emotional blackmailing. I will not apologize for my language because all I am sitting here to do is say the well-known but unsaid. Indian parents do not consider their children as individual people. They consider them their property which of course at the "right" time should be disposed off and paired with a particular property of another exchanger. The possibility of giving the right to choose their own companion is taken away from the children. The same children whom they trust with running the house hold, making and supporting family are somehow considered incapable of making the choice of marrying the right person. This choice is the birth right of their parents. Who were born to take it away from them. Parents without a seconds thought throw, "we have given you this life, an education" etc. in the faces of their children that they have raised them in a certain way and should be reimbursed by claiming ownership on the right of choosing their life partners. The million terms and conditions that are laid down by parents of choosing a partner if considered by the youngsters of India, I bet, no one will ever fall in love. Love will cease to exist.

He was struggling with all this along with some more issues which were further blamed on his blasphemous and socially unacceptable act of loving a girl from a different religion. Love is to be blamed, always. She on the other hand is sitting in her house waiting or hoping that he would come and see her. See her, touch her, and be together. All she wanted was him and peace and her life back and stability reinstated in his life.