Belongingness..

It has been more than five years since she has been living in a city which was not her own. She wasn't born here. She did not grow up here, not as a child at least. She belonged to a city not too far, yet different. She was too young when the transition occurred, willingly and for the better. She never complains about the challenges that she had to face But, can't deny that there were challenges. Challenges elaborate but doable. There wasn't even a choice, to be fair. She had to deal with them and grow.

Does growing up ever end ? She thought as an Eighteen year old. When she turned eighteen she felt like a grown up. So is she even now but that's not it. It is never enough and it shouldn't end. To live a healthy life one should continue to grow with each challenge, with each prospect and with each mistake. Making mistakes is alright too. 

One not so pleasant day at work transformed into a great evening and an even better night. She was at work all day and it was undoubtedly a good one but then came at play the biggest spinster of all, misunderstanding. Life had only then begun to appear a happy one. Work was good, she was happy and wouldn't want anything more. In such a phase of complete bliss even a twig on the path seems like a thorn. She broke down. That, by the way, is the last thing she wanted to do. But, she was not used to this life and the process. It happened, she tried to forget it and she did so but the sullenness remained. She needs to be more sure of her impulsive actions, she thought. But she had always been told, "talk it out, it makes things better". She did, things did get better but not completely. The last thing she wanted to do was to appear like a weakling at this new place. With these myriad of thoughts in her mind she decided to meet him. To get a feeling of homecoming. And they met. 

The sky was blue again, the stars did shine and love did blossom and why wouldn't it? She was in her happy place after all. They dined together, the place was not one of their favourite ones. "Come on, let's go to this new place, you will love it", he said, she pestered for a while but gave in to much of her own surprise and even more to his. They reached this place, otherworldly. It was new, beautiful and did help in bringing her back to life. By the end of their rendezvous, she had completely healed. They called for a cab. And then the magic happened. The most uplifting part of the day was that the cab that came to pick them up had a number plate of her own city. She was so excited. Even before she could properly settle in the cab she asked the driver, "How does your car have this city's number plate?"

The driver responded with his connection to the city. Just that and they resumed talking again, the boy and the girl. The ride back home was relaxing. She realised that she had not been so comfortable and so much at peace in the past whole week. She enjoyed it and wished they could stay in the back seat of a car like this, for longer. But then came his home and he left with a smile that will get him through a couple of days. Soon the cab driver began to talk. He told her all about how he ended up in this business, how in the beginning working with #Uber felt like, "It's raining money". They began talking like there was a connection. A connection that made talking easy.  The connection was none other than being from the same land. Of having shared a certain history with each other, the knowledge of those places back in their city, the names of roads and landmarks. That is what connected them. After having spoken to each other and giving way to her feminist side like always, she advised the driver, "Do make sure your daughter studies well and does all that she wants in her life."

They passed through another lane where she had spent a long time in this city. She showed him with excitement, "this right here is my college." In that very moment she realized how connected she was to her college too. This was definitely a revelation. She did not spend much time here. But again it was part of her identity. She belonged to it and it belonged to her. That's when she connected all the dots. 

She realized, amidst all the being and becoming, sobbing and laughing and all the struggles, she now belonged to her new city too, as much as she did to her own. All these years while trying to live she had created memories and when she reached home, it was not just returning to her rented apartment, it was homecoming.

"You're a little wonder"

What is the ideal of beauty ? Or what is beautiful any way ? How does one know that they are beautiful ? They say, beauty lies in the eyes of a beholder. So, is it about the beholder always ? Women are often expected to be beautiful for men. I am not making a generalized statement but stating a fact. At least that is what society will have you believe. One has to be beautiful to be attractive to the other sex. It's the heart of men which metaphorically often skips a beat when they see an attractive woman pass. Even, vice versa. But, how does it work when two people belonging to the same gender are in question. I am not talking about Homosexuality per say, because I don't think that I know enough in the area to comment but I am definitely talking about the indescribable Laws of Attraction between people of the same sex.

She had taken the road not desired but the one that made most sense. She was admitted to the college she wanted to study in. But she didn't enjoy it. She had continued to stay in the older abode and had to travel distances now. She would go to college feeling older, responsible and eager and come back exhausted, disappointed and in despair. Nothing seemed to be falling in place. She was told that things will be different here from the last place she studied in but she always thought different could mean both good and bad. She was highly optimistic. One afternoon she came home and was told by one of the fellow residents that there was a new girl in their hostel who was doing exactly what she was doing and seemed to be in real need for help or a person to talk to. My poor exhausted young woman thought before getting lost in her room which was a recluse from all the other worldly issues, a little world created by her for her happiness, she must meet this  new person who was more or less sailing in the same boat as her. She was sweaty and dirty and exhausted , she climbed up to the  concerned floor and knocked. She waited for the door to open and meanwhile contemplated the mess which was about to let her inside in the next few seconds.

After a good 15 seconds someone opened the door and what met her eyes was an unbelievable woman. A pretty but wrecked damsel of sorts. She was weepy and teary eyed. Our young woman introduced herself and received what seemed like a nod from the other side. She didn't quite understand  what happened in the last couple of seconds but still she gave her an offer to help in anything she would need help for and went back to her pleasure palace, the little room in the corner that separated her from the world outside. A couple of days later while passing by the new girls floor she thought she must check up on her and she did, hoping that the wonderful girl might still not be crying. Much to her surprise she wasn't. She was extremely elated instead and welcomed her with an apology for the last time. Offered her to sit inside her little abode that separated her from the world outside. These two women living in the same building, that was home to a hundred other women, were trying their best to be alone. Two women from two different parts of the country, two different educational backgrounds and modes of upbringing, wanted the same things from life. Our weepy beautiful girl soon declared that she was happy because she had everything packed and was leaving forever. Yes, you heard me right. The older, more experienced of the two women had given up. She did not want to go through with the torture of what was to follow. She felt like she didn't belong but only till she met our new young woman, who had recently started to feel much older.

They got into talking. Soon, the younger one began telling her the million stories about their university and how it's the most fantastic place to be. After a good 2 hours of talking our little woman had accomplished what she wanted. She had convinced her to stay. If I have not already mentioned, I should. Our little young woman was a passionate soul. Passionate about all little things in life. A thinker, a dreamer, a day dreamer, a lover of poetry, history, literature and all arts. Everything around her according to her was part of a continuously playing movie that centered around her and everyone else that featured in the background were just the filler people who are present on movie sets to show the crowd. Whoever came in contact with her was given a part in the running movie and whoever she didn't know, was well, an extra. So this was one of the many crazy ideas that occupied the mind of our little young woman. She was new to life. It seemed like she had learnt to live only recently. She had evolved from her rotten past experiences with rotten decaying people. Her soul was now much more alive than it ever was and she had recently been aware of her being, her body and embraced what is called the feeling of being in a woman's body. So when our weepy met our little wonder, she was stirred to the very soul to see the presence of so much life inside a little person.

They fell in 'fascination'. Our little wonder fell for the calm and composure of the new friend she had made and the other one fell for the sheer sense of life in the her. They began to spend most of their time together. Without realizing they were much closer than they knew. The older one couldn't help but compliment everything about her younger friend. Her hair, her eyes, her sheer sense of looking at everything differently, to the point where she believed that she knows no other woman as beautiful as her little friend, while,our little one too absorbed in the microcosm that she had created around herself basked in the sudden influx of tremendous love and care from her older friend. They were the happiest two beings possible. They longed to see each other. They visited places together. Stayed up all night, just talking. They danced and laughed together. Their laughter could be heard through the whole, otherwise awfully dull, building.They began to share each other's interests. The young woman began to go to the park to appreciate nature and love trees. Hugging everyone, or every thing, even trees for at least 20 seconds became a must in her way of life, exactly like it was in her new friend's. While, the older beauty began to visit monuments and enjoyed talking and discussing ideas and reading with the new perspective of our young charmer.

All things were great between them until, another object of beauty and love came to share the abode and led to what became an unknown competition between our two joyful buds. They grew insecure, firstly from the pain of being separated from each other and not knowing that. Secondly, from the unsaid, unwanted competition that existed without their knowledge. The third with no intention of ruining what existed and abundant love to offer came in their lives and unknowingly resulted in the remnants of two broken souls, broken friendships and broken lovers. The nights spent in contemplation of life and the conversations still haunt the two but one is too egoistic to communicate and the other two unforgiving to reconsider...

"Aaj Ki raat Bachenge toh Seher Dekhenge... " the songs they sang to each other still remind the two of each other.

Complicated relationships are not just a heterosexual luxury. Female sisterhood is one of the most complex form of relationships because we don't know how to befriend people and leave it at that. We are passionate and we fall in love. The idea of a best friend will never make so much sense in a relationship that doesn't involve women. We either make people our own or never call them friends. Two women can never completely like each other, they say. But they couldn't be more wrong in making that assumption. Two women who used to be great friends and aren't any more is not because they can't like each other for long but because they liked one another to the point of loving. It is nothing less than a broken love affair and most times even worse. One grows up and moves on from unrequited or broken love but a fall out between two girls never stops haunting them. Because somewhere the love sustains, mostly unrecognized and more often willingly neglected and subdued.

"I Know"

Some things, people and memories in life knock at your door when you are expecting them the least. When you are broken and discarded and living in despair someone just comes along from the most unusual places and changes everything. You don't have to look for that someone anywhere or find them in strangers, when you're destined to meet the right person everything in the world will make sense. Everything will fall in place. You will dress up just right and be at the right place at the right time, and everything shall happen just how it was meant to be and don't overthink, don't spend time thinking what could have happened differently that you thought was terribly wrong, sometimes such wrongs are better than most rights.

She was thinking about all this and making entries in her journal, the brown leather diary with handmade sheets that look ages old and have so much character that every word dropped on the surface of those pages becomes poetry. Every leaf drawn on the sheets becomes art and every moment shared, a memory. This morning she was smiling to herself about every little thing, called everyone she could, of course didn't tell the reason behind that inexplicable happiness and lightness of foot to all but surely talked to everyone who mattered. She wanted to stand on the balcony of her fourth floor apartment and shout it out loud to the world that she was happy. It was that kind of day when she wanted to watch the pigeons on the terrace across hers, wanted to sit by the glass window as it rained and read all the beautiful stories that she could find. She could not contain the abundance of emotions. She wanted to fly high or just touch the sky. It was finally that day.

He was tired from the day's work and exhausted by the travel that he had to make and by the idea that this travel would continue to persist for the next 6 months, to say the least. He was tired but not cranky, like the public transport usually makes him. He was happy in a strange way. He didn't know why is the work, the travel, the weather, not irritating him more. He wondered whether he has grown up or something else. Couldn't really figure out what it was until he reached home and saw the date and time flashing on the TV screen and then he smiled to himself. His body was rejuvenated by a strange sense of happiness. He was surprised that all this while subconsciously he knew . He ate his food and longed to go out to the phone booth to make the desired call. He began to miss her like never before. Began to write a letter but realised he wanted a swifter remedy to aid his urge, a point of contact. He decided to go for the phone call. He waited and waited till it was time. Time to unleash his happy soul and time to hear her voice. He made the call.

She was sitting beside the telephone since an hour waiting to hear him. She had never waited to hear the annoying ring tone of her telephone like she did now. She wanted to forget her self and the world as she waited for it to ring. And it did. She took less than a second to pick it up and said the words he was dying to hear, he reciprocated but that was followed by a satisfying silence. Their voices had reached each other, it had happened. Her voice had touched his soul, had purged the urge to feel her, be near her and this silence was worth everything they owned. She began talking like they would any other day, until suddenly while she was engrossed in narrating the millions of little stories that she had in store to tell him, he stopped and said, "It has been a year". She smiled, and said "I know"

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Life.

Recently I have answered many people regarding the appearance of the next blog post with either, "after exams", "soon", "after dealing with my entrances" or even "I don't know". I have stopped apologizing for my inconstancy. I really have. I have become increasingly shameless, mostly like a wall when it comes to giving answers. I am failing continuously on answering my own question, even at knowing the questions, rather, dreading questioning my own self because I know what might scare me away. My biggest fears are known to me and me alone. I am the one what can make me or break me. It's me who gets to choose. But to choose I need to ask. Like they say, to get an answer one should dare to ask the question. The blog, following all this rant has nothing to do with this. Enjoy.

Those were difficult times for them, even though the question asked to him was not appropriately at the right time but it was asked. Some how being a Hindu and a Muslim in love did come in the picture. They were together the strongest, both knew. But, family ? Who is stronger than them together, pulling you back, giving you the hardest time between what you love the most or what they would serve society on a platter? The one choice children should be granted liberty at making is taken away from them because, of course, a certain Sharma Ji, or Khan Sahab's opinion comes to play. Somehow their opinion becomes all that one has to satisfy. Marriage no longer remains an amorous bond between two people who know they are perfect for each other and will want to spend not this but all lives to follow, together, but it has become a bond carefully measured on the scale of society, caste, religion, complexion, money and every other irrelevant thing that is. Of course the certain "Sharma Ji" and "Khan Sahab" sitting peacefully at home with their own imperfect lives of themselves are better judges.

He is stuck in a labyrinth of responsibilities and why shouldn't he be. He was the eldest son of the family, had finished his education. Now, he must earn and marry and chase around and die doing all this. He ones had dreams of studying more, excelling at what he does, be bigger, marry her, be a great son, a great husband, a father and travel the world with her but now he is given a choice. Options he cannot choose between. One makes him a bad son, the other takes away everything that he has ever wanted in life. One popular but disappointing fact about Indian parents is their continuous emotional blackmailing. I will not apologize for my language because all I am sitting here to do is say the well-known but unsaid. Indian parents do not consider their children as individual people. They consider them their property which of course at the "right" time should be disposed off and paired with a particular property of another exchanger. The possibility of giving the right to choose their own companion is taken away from the children. The same children whom they trust with running the house hold, making and supporting family are somehow considered incapable of making the choice of marrying the right person. This choice is the birth right of their parents. Who were born to take it away from them. Parents without a seconds thought throw, "we have given you this life, an education" etc. in the faces of their children that they have raised them in a certain way and should be reimbursed by claiming ownership on the right of choosing their life partners. The million terms and conditions that are laid down by parents of choosing a partner if considered by the youngsters of India, I bet, no one will ever fall in love. Love will cease to exist.

He was struggling with all this along with some more issues which were further blamed on his blasphemous and socially unacceptable act of loving a girl from a different religion. Love is to be blamed, always. She on the other hand is sitting in her house waiting or hoping that he would come and see her. See her, touch her, and be together. All she wanted was him and peace and her life back and stability reinstated in his life.

Where the sun sets..

"I am a mountain person", she said. "Me too" he replied. With that thought they left for the coast together. They traveled across the nation from north to the centre and then extreme west. Not only did the languages change with each passing state but also the scenery, food, cultures, people, air and most of all their perception. The diversity of our nation was served on a platter to them in one train journey across the country. It was enlightening. While gazing at the Western Ghats passing by with each second, he sighed, "That's what beauty is, what mountains are!" They passed through a dozen tunnels that were transporting them to a completely different land. A country completely theirs yet different and what was to unfold at the end of those tunnels was nothing less than an experience worth the forty hours spent contemplating it.

They reached their destination at dusk. The sheer beauty and simplicity of the railway station made it seem like a movie. Who expects to have a hill alongside a railway platform ? The sheer joy of getting down the train onto a platform so scenic had amazed them enough to not feel the load of luggage on their backs. They were mesmerized. The air was different. The sky seemed painted with a few strokes of red and orange casting its reflection on the larger blue surface. It was out of a canvas, really. To witness something so picturesque had never crossed their mind. The smoke laden air of their city had blurred those images and tainted them with smog forever. 

At night it revealed itself to them. But, barely. It was so dark that it seemed like the night but more. They could hear loud roaring sounds and flashes of dispersing froth. "I am already scared, It doesn't end." She had carefully drawn a horrific picture in her head but what she saw and heard was worse. While sketching the mental image, she had totally forgotten about the noise its movement creates. It was an encapsulating sound that dominated all the human disturbance around. When the waves spoke, they conquered. Gathering herself and facing her fears next morning, she accompanied him to finally meet the long desired, and, there it was. An expanse so limitless that nothing they had ever seen could compare. It just didn't end. They stood right there on the sand and facing the sea for the first time in their lives. There it was, the angry field of gold, reflecting the sun on it's surface.

She was unwilling to step foot on the water that the waves brought with them to the coast. He held her hand and said, "Don't worry, I am here. I will not leave your hand". And they entered the all encompassing waters. Soon the waves started to rise and fall. Some pushed them out and some took them a few feet within into the depth and that is when she befriended the sea without knowing it. She stood there with eyes closed facing the depth of the sea and letting a few waves devour her. Soon she began to dive into them so as to be a part. A part of that whole new world which resided inside the waters, a world unknown to her, beyond her reach.

The sea still scared them at night but they continued to spend hours watching it. As if they wanted to feel the fear. It's strange how something can be so beautiful yet frightening at the same time. They sat there on the sand under the star lit full moon sky witnessing the angry waves, each night thinking about the captivating beauty of nature and the sheer littleness of us humans compared to it. 

On their journey back home, none of them declared their love for the mountains. Each time they closed their eyes they met the sea. Then came a voice from his corner, "You never really part from the sea, it remains with you, always".

Let go.

Growing up brings along many adaptations, additions and of course subtractions from ones life. Whether it is material objects or materially created people. They are friends, family, people who matter, people who mattered, people who once meant the world to you and today refuse to say 'hi' and even those who never cared and probably never will. When one decides to leave, he should. You must not try to stop them or bind them in the clutches of romantic or emotional bondage. Don't even try to make them stay. No don't. Don't try too hard. In the end, you are the only one who is going to regret it. Remember in the end it is always about you. Their sudden absence might create a void in your life. A void difficult to fill with any other. Difficult but not impossible. The most vulnerable positions are of people who matter the most. Of people you depend on. In spite of the independence one would like to claim to possess, there is always one person in everyone's life who is a Watson figure. It is the first number on your speed dial or the first call you make when in crisis. Have you ever thought what would happen when they are gone ? No ? Of course, you have not. That would scare you, probably wont let you sleep at nights. Such is the power of the most vulnerable spot in your life. The person who is your go-to, the one who is always there, the shoulder, the friend, the guardian, the adviser and even the one like your mother when you need just that, might also leave you.

By now we all are aware of the uncertainty of life and it's almost creative ability to surprise us in various ways, to turn a comedy into a tragedy and to do exactly the opposite too. Doesn't that leave us all without a "plan" in the larger sphere of life. If we are so unarmed against this army of black flags and black horses called "destiny" we will assuredly be defeated by it. So, learn to let go. If only we learn to let go of people and relationships that have unwantingly/wantingly created an undoable knot we could help repair ourselves much faster. An amended relationship is never like the one that you used to have. Also, the pain that occurs in there absence is easily bearable when compared with the one that you experience in their presence. You're together and it's still not the same ? Nothing has changed and still everything has? Their absence when felt in their presence is what might kill you. It
will cause immense pain and might break your heart beyond repair.

So keep your guard on. If it is not repairable in the first go, it will never be. This time let them go without the hope of their coming back. Not all those who go are meant to return.

Akhirkaar subha ka har bhula shaam ko ghar wapas nahin aata, kuch log door nikal jaate hain kabhi na wapas aane ke liye.