When Life Gives you Lemons...

I am 24 years, 5 months and 13 days old today. Yes, that's pretty accurate. No, I am not counting days but I have way too much time. May to July, this part of the year has become the hardest. Why ? because it is constantly making me doubt my abilities. I want to do a PhD, yes, I am one of those who willingly(under no pressure or doom of mediocrity) want to teach what they love. One of those who really, genuinely love their subject and hope to study it and contribute to the scholarship. To all those who are struggling in the same boat as me, I would like to raise a toast and say, "We're all in this together", "just hang in there, comrade" and "It can't be sour for long". This time of the year comes with a gallon of self doubt, perpetual self-loathing, existential crisis, depression, anxiety, agony and every pathetic emotion possible but lets go on fighting because that's what Daenerys would do. Wouldn't she ?

Truthfully, I was fretting way too much about this. I was over burdening myself with unnecessary pressure of working and studying and giving exams and the interviews that followed all at the same time. It left me dejected each night and I woke up unhappy every morning. One day I woke up and decided to let time and things take their course, there isn't much that I can do beyond what I am actually doing. I sat on the edge of my bed, drank a litre of water, opened that wretched door to the balcony and just sat there for a while thinking about absolutely nothing. As opposed to the two months preceding that moment, it felt really...liberating. I decided I am not going to doubt myself or look for plan Bs because my goal and effort is absolutely apt, it's the timing, the bitch, that is ruining things, trust me, that's it. Trust me, it's not us, it's the bitching timing that's not in our court yet. But, it will be, it soon will be and things will fall in place.

Meanwhile I continue to love my own company. I go on for days without feeling the need of communication or any form of interaction with the outside world. My room is my palace, a palace of multiple illusions and delusions, I'm sure, nonetheless, my palace. For instance, today I was with Patrick Jane for a while (that lasted longer than usual), the Mentalist, of course. He is such a delight both to look at and watch (the actor and the character), calm and composed even while spending all his mental and physical energies in trying to avenge his dead wife and child. Even a charlatan like him has his life sorted and his goals on point. I am specifically intrigued by detective fiction, of all kinds. That's what I dig. I want to read it, watch it, feel it, smell it, maybe being a cop's daughter came handy there.

For the rest of my day, I was reading Tolstoy's The Cossacks, a really fine piece of work but unfortunately often shadowed by his two magnum opuses, Anna Karenina and War and Peace. Olenin, the central character of the novel is interestingly crafted, one can find a bit of both Vronsky and Karenin in him, yet, perfectly original. Unlike the other works of Tolstoy this one is a three hour read, a perfect choice for anyone who wants to read more Tolstoy.

This blog doesn't necessarily flow. It might seem like bits of random information put together to make a whole, but, isn't this exactly how a day in our lives is ?

Gripping, Fragmented, Joyful, Sombre, Fascinating, Lemonnyyy....all at once.

Logic behind the picture: Reminder for us to be happy at all times. 

It was worth it !

She is an Aquarian, a water bearer, a water baby. She loves to be one with water. She could watch a river, or a sea forever. Just notice each crest and trough of the wave and try to be one with them. She would often wonder how no two waves were alike. The force, the jump, and the fall of each one was different from the other. She needed no company as long as she had the sea. Often, would forget the real world around it. Belonging to the north region of the country, she didn't get many chances to witness  her soul bearer, the sea. But, this winter, it happened and  for the second time in one year. She met, gazed at, became one and explored the sea, once again.

This time Goa was altogether a different trip. Amidst all the "It doesn't feel like Goa" moments, she stole one experience worth remembering  forever. One of her friends suggested going to Palolem Beach. So, they did. After a 4 hour long drive, there they were; only to find that Palolem was like any other beach in Goa with clearer water and a different colour of sand. The sun was choleric it seemed. It was 35 degrees on a 25th December afternoon, an extremely cold day in the north. No one wished to admit, but they all felt the same, the 4 hour car ride seemed like a waste. But then it happened.

Palolem beach is famous for dolphin watching. That offer was made with the promise of making sure that dolphins will be seen, and they all agreed to go for it. 7  people in a boat, sailing to visit two islands and spot dolphins at dawn amidst the angry waves seemed too far fetched but even the prospect of adventure after a four hour car ride outdid the dullness of sitting and eating at one of the shacks on the beach. Unison was attained and after much effort they embarked upon this water journey.

The tour guide raised his arm and pointed at what he called dolphins in order to ensure the money settled upon. But, each time he pointed they saw nothing but waves. He continued to create the illusion of dolphins swimming in the sea all around their boat and they continued to look around and buy his illusion. Before they knew they were in the middle of the sea at dawn and we're witnessing the sun drowning in the Arabian Sea. In that very moment their boat, the sea, the sun and the sky it all seemed a part of one landscape. The scenery that they had all drawn and coloured together as toddlers, with the mountains and sea and the sun and the little boat, was right there. This time the people in the boat were not stick humans wearing a hat but they themselves, sitting in the boat and sailing  into the infinite.

Did they even spot a dolphin? Who can tell ?